Sunday, December 18, 2011


I am at a weird point in my life.
For the first time ever, there is no clear path.
Since I was little, it's been planned out and I've mostly stuck to that plan. There was school, and when I graduated, I went straight to university, and now I am nearly done and not sure where to go next.

Part of that has been determined for me by another person. I don't mean that to sound like other people are planning my life, but the person I want to spend my life with has made a life for himself somewhere and so that's where I'll go, obviously, and I have no problems with that.

When I was younger (and even up until this year, probably), I was very against the whole go to school, get a job, get married, have children, work at that job forever, retire, die, thing. And I didn't want to do it all in the same place, I wanted to go somewhere else.
But now I am kind of realizing that that stuff isn't really all that bad and maybe the reason people do that is because that's what grown ups do. People grow up and get over themselves and realize that contributing to society, or falling in love and getting married doesn't make you a conformist, it just makes you happy (maybe.)
And not wanting to do that doesn't make you immature or pretentious, either, but the way I was sort of semi-rejecting it while still doing it was both immature and pretentious.

To quote this song, "I was raised up believing I was somehow unique like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes, unique in each way you can see. And now after some thinking, I'd say I'd rather be a functioning cog in some great machinery serving something beyond me. but I don't, I don't know what that will be. I'll get back to you someday soon you will see."

For the past few months, the plan has been to hopefully finish internship and move out and go back to school for my last semester and get a job, and then hopefully go on a trip in July and get a teaching job somewhere for September. And that is still what I want the plan to be but I am so not in control of any part of that, really. Internship is over in 4 days, but I have no money to move out, and no car, and no job (although I have an interview on Tuesday so hopefully that works out and I'll at least have some sort of direction for the new year) but when I am done school I still need to find a job.

I feel like I've come so far in the past four months but I still have so far to go...and so much is out of my control.
I feel like I've been waiting for my life to start this whole time, even while it's been going on.

 I think people do that a lot, "once I have this," or "once I'm done this, then my life will be the way I want it."For me right now it's: once I'm done school and I have a car and an income and I live in my own place then my life will be what I want it to be.
Of course it's not that simple.

But anyways, this turned pretty long-winded and reflective and I didn't neccesarily mean for it to.
Please don't comment that everything happens for a reason or that it will all work out. I don't really believe that, and I don't need reassurance. nothing is a problem or anything, I'm just feeling a little direction-less right now.
Like I don't know which way I'm going and I've still got such a long way to go...

I made this video for this Coldplay song that sums up pretty much exactly how I'm feeling at this point in my life.
I hope you like it, especially if you are feeling the same way.

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